All Things Chuck Norris

Having come across an old ad for Chuck Norris Action Jeans recently, I was prompted to brainstorm on all the products Mr. Norris has endorsed over the years. Chuck Norris Coloring Books , video games, cell phone games, T-shirts, books and, of course, the Total Gym…to name a few. But you know, it still seems like Chuck is underselling himself. Seriously. There could be so much more to the Chuck Norris franchise. Here are a few ideas:

Chuck Norris Can Opener. Opens cans and strangles intruders. Requires special gloves made of Chuck Norris leather so as not to chafe the skin.

Chuck Norris Solar Panels. Requires no sunlight! Works 24/7! Only recommended for homes in icy climates, since the heating action can be volatile.

Chuck Norris Last Resort Dog Trainer. It’ll make your dog stop barking, guaranteed. Like a frontal lobotomy for dogs, at the push of a button. No mess!

Chuck Norris Manscape Kit. You’re just three steps away from growing your very own bushy red chest hair. Skin test required. Severe disfigurement could result. Not for use on back or bikini area.

Chuck Norris Dress Shirt. There are no buttons on this button-down, because you don’t need ‘em. Drive women wild by wearing the Chuck Norris Dress Shirt wide open, tucked into a pair of Chuck Norris Action Jeans. Bullet belts sold separately.

Mac users can now get their Chuck Norris Facts fix with the Chuck Norris Facts widget. If you don’t get it or see why this would be useful, please comment to this post with your geographic location. Others might want to steer clear, in the event some horrible fate should befall you.

The widget is free to download here and serves to remind you of the essential facts about the Great One himself. The screenshot shown at the download page, for example, informs you that since 1940, deaths by roundhouse have increased 13,000 percent. Clearly, these are words to live by.

Sorry, Windows people, this is for Macs only.

Chuck Norris appeared on Larry King Live the other day to face off against Arianna Huffington. Presumably his intention in doing this was to represent for McCain and Sarah Palin, while Huffington stood up for the Obama/Biden duo. If you saw the clip, you know that this was not Chuck Norris’ finest moment. It was, probably, his worst. He provided irrelevant responses to Huffington’s questions, interrupted her numerous times, and laughed at her. Apparently, Chuck Norris forgot Rule Number 3 in his own Chun Kuk Do code of ethics:

“I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.”

So sad.

Chuck, if you’re out there, please take this advice: You don’t need to act like that. Convey your beliefs with confidence that you are right, not with disgust that your opponent is wrong. Respect Arianna Huffington and her kind for giving you something you can fight for. You wouldn’t need conviction if you didn’t have the opposition. And remember, Chuck, in the eyes of many, you represent the hope, nay, the dream that humans can push themselves to achieve the impossible. Don’t ruin it by being a jerk.

“I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements”

Digging around on Chuck Norris’ life and history turns up remarkably few scandals, which is unusual for  a man of his accomplishments. He does have a child who was born from extra-marital encounter, he did divorce his first wife and, nine years later, married a woman 28 years his junior. But this is pretty mild stuff for a 68-year-old guy who’s been famous for a long time. Even more unusual, Norris has been painfully open about his personal mistakes, openly addressing his out-of-wedlock daughter and the demise of his first marriage in interviews and in his autobiography. Of his first marriage, he said, “The divorce was mainly caused by my getting hooked and addicted to the secular Hollywood lifestyle and drifting from God.” Based on that, you can add ultimate humility to the list of Chuck’s super-human qualities.

True to his own code of ethics, Chuck has since moved on, throwing his energies into his current marriage, his books, political musings and the charity and fighting organizations he supports.

Chuck Norris likes Sarah Palin, and not just because she can file her nails and eat trail mix while giving birth. Norris’ WorldNetDaily column this week, entitled “The Maverette” discusses Palin’s role in McCain’s bid for president and the potential for her to serve as Vice President of the United States. Chuck says tough-as-nails Palin is EXACTLY what McCain and the U.S. needs, a no-nonsense reformer who doesn’t play Capitol Hill power games.

In Chuck’s view, our government is overrun with corruption and ego. Not enough of our leaders care as much about what’s right as they do about keeping their jobs and their high-power relationships. And this is a big reason why all politicians promise change, but very few deliver. Some people, including Chuck Norris, believe that Sarah Palin is one of those few.

Funny thing is, Chuck even throws out a half-dare to Oprah Winfrey, who’s said that she won’t have Sarah Palin on her show until after the election (even though Obama and his wife are practically regulars). You scared of a hockey mom, Oprah? Or worried that people might actually take to Sarah Palin?

And so it seems Chuck Norris will be casting his vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. Sorry Bob Barr, Chuck’s just not that into you.

Read the full text of Norris’ column here .

Chuck Norris may be better known as the only human who can speak braille and make himself invisible at will, but he is also the creator of a martial arts system known as Chun Kuk Do (CKD) or “The Universal Way.” CKD is a fighting art as well as a spiritual practice. Norris developed it by combining aspects of Tang Soo Do and other martial arts styles into one, cohesive system.

CKD has a 12-point Code of Ethics. Today’s principle is:

“I will develop myself to the maximum potential in all ways.”

Translating this into Internet speak, this means Chuck Norris’ fighting skills are so refined that he can cause physical harm (bruises, bloody noses, even broken bones) to those who are sitting too close to the television when watching “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

“Now, more than ever, is the time to join the NObama-nation revolution. No way. No how. NObama.” Those are fightin’ words from Chuck Norris, a guy who definitely shouldn’t be provoked. In his World Net Daily column, Norris is highly critical of the mystical, overpowering setting that enveloped Obama at Invesco Field last Thursday evening–a setting that Norris implies was designed to cover up Obama’s lack of substance.

Actually, Norris isn’t the only one who’s poked fun at Obama’s flair for the dramatic. The World Newser Daily Blog   shows images of two strikingly similar stage sets; one is the American Idol set and the other is the DNC set. The New York Post referred to the DNC set an Obama temple, while the Telegraph (U.K.) said the surroundings were God-like.

Norris’ column practically demands that Americans snap out of the reverie created by the Obamysticism and Barack’s endless repetition of the word “change.” Remember, Norris argues, how Hillary Clinton and her husband and Joe Biden all bagged on Obama? Remember how they all said he wasn’t experienced, how Bill Clinton even called the Obama campaign a “fairy tale?”

The cry for a Nobama Revolution is a pretty strong indication that Chuck Norris is attempting to mobilize his fans and supporters for a global Internet Obama shake-down. Perhaps Chuck Norris himself is the one who’s been touting Sara Palin as the Creator of the Internet, Speaker of Braille and Global, Unstoppable Fighter for Justice. Note to Obama: if Sara Palin can roundhouse kick your dog and it makes you cry, you’ve got no chance, no matter how big your stage is.

For the full text of Chuck Norris’ column, click here .

If you want a Chuck Norris t-shirt, they’re actually pretty easy to find. So easy that you’ll probably get sick of browsing web pages upon web pages in your effort to locate the very best one. Other people do that, right? It’s not just me?

Anyway, here are a few sites where you’ll find the same old, same old—the official Chuck Norris tees with your favorite movie taglines and maybe a silhouette of Chuck in the full leg extension pose.

Amazon
80stees.com
Myteespot.com
Slingshottshirts.com

For your softer side, this site has a pastel Chuck Norris tee that bares the highly credible claim, “I kick it with Chuck Norris.”

And then for the politically minded, here are some Chuck tees that declare your support for Chuckabee ‘08.

If you prefer to put your own spin on things by personalizing a shirt with your favorite Chuck Norris Fact, you should check out the Chuck Norris Facts t-shirt shop here .

Finally, you can also take a looksy at Chucknorris.com , where you’ll find uber official Chuck Norris stuff, including tees and beanies and TotalGyms. And, if you want it signed by The Norris himself, drop an extra $100 on your order. The not-so-fine print says the proceeds go to Norris’ Kick Start program, so you can get a cool autographed shirt and feel good about it too.

So last month Gameloft announced the impending launch of its new cell phone game called Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. In the game, you play the character of Chuck Norris, who battles the forces of evil and terrorism to secure justice in the world. You take on a Russian army and rescue POWs from Cambodia, relying on the shear force of your roundhouse kick. That and some big weapons too. According to Gameloft, Bring on the Pain promises to add a little action-packed, karate-kicking fun to your phone.

If you run out and grab the game, remember that you’re still just you, pretending to be Chuck Norris. Because Chuck Norris doesn’t have a cell phone (one roundhouse kick travels farther and faster, plus the sound of his voice would cause immediate death to all the people on the Verizon commercials) and Chuck Norris doesn’t play games (it’s not a game if you always win).

To see screenshots and reviews of Bring on the Pain, click here or here.

The Cutter (2005): The past holds the key!
Bells of Innocence (2003): The fine line between heaven and hell.
The President’s Man: A Line in the Sand (2002): Terrorism just met its worst enemy.
The President’s Man (2000): No mission is impossible.
Logan’s War - Bound By Honor (1998): Long memory…short fuse…
Forest Warrior (1996): A magical mountain…a mysterious legend…a story of courage…against all odds.
Top Dog (1995): One’s tough … One’s smart… Together they unleash explosive action!
Hellbound (1994): Mess with this Chicago cop and there’s hell to pay.
Sidekicks (1992): A dreamer and a champion. An unbeatable team…Until his hero stepped out of his fantasies to fight at his side.
The Hitman (1991): He’s so far undercover he may never get back.
Hero and the Terror (1988): Heroes hit hardest.
Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988): He’s fighting for everyone who can’t fight back.
The Delta Force (1986): They don’t negotiate with terrorists…they blow them away!
Invasion U.S.A. (1985): America wasn’t ready…but HE was!
Code of Silence (1985): The toughest cop in the world…. just got tougher.
Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985): A prisoner to strong too hold. A soldier too dangerous to let go.
Missing in Action (1984): The war’s not over until the last man comes home.
Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Chuck Norris is Lone Wolf McQuade. David Carradine is the man that got in his way.
Forced Vengeance (1982): A walking weapon that never misses!
Silent Rage (1982): Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.
An Eye for an Eye (1981): Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon…he is a weapon!
The Octagon (1980): In a world of choices, for one man there is no choice…he must face The Octagon.
A Force of One (1979): He hears the silence. He see’s the darkness. He’s the only one who can stop the killing.
Good Guys Wear Black (1978): The C.I.A. can’t afford John T. Booker…alive.

Anyone  care to voice an opinion on the best and the worst of ‘em? My vote for best goes to “Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon…he is a weapon!” And the worst has to be…drum roll…from Forest Warrior, “A magical mountain…a mysterious legend…a story of courage…against all odds.” It sounds like whoever wrote it didn’t watch the movie and just wrote something that covered all bases. Actually, did anyone watch this movie?