All Things Chuck Norris

In his WorldNetDaily Column this week, Chuck Norris talks about food. More specifically, he talks about the food of Barack Obama. And, Norris also throws in a bit about Oprah’s inability to remain either fat or thin. Norris thinks Obama can help clean up our healthcare system by setting an example for self-care; Obama was, after all, twice included in Men’s Fitness’ “25 fittest men in America” (note to Men’s Fitness editors: surely someone must have told you that smoking kills people right?).

Norris says we don’t need government-funded health insurance; what we really need is to take better care of ourselves. If we all did a better job eating right and exercising (and not smoking), we and our healthcare system would be in far better shape. Yes, Chuck, you are right. And you keep trying to change the world…if you can get people to stop eating too many Twinkies for the greater good, then everything they say about you is true.

The real meat of Norris’ piece is what he says about Lay’s Potato Chips. Debunking all commonly held knowledge, Norris admits that sometimes he can’t eat just one. In his own words:

A short time back, a friend sent me one of those Chuck Norris Facts that circulate the Internet. It read, “Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.” Whomever wrote that fact has not seen me when I am watching a football game at home. I can tear the bag open during the first quarter and ask myself by half time, “What’s this empty bag doing in my hand (while licking the salt from my finger tips)?” I won’t even tell you how quick a bowl of ice cream can disappear in the second half!…click here for full text of article.

Chuck Norris is mad, fightin’ mad. His WorldNetDaily column this week rants against the politicians who voted for the multibillion dollar financial sector bailout. And he makes a pretty compelling argument. Not that he needs to…did anyone in this country really think it was a good idea to dump money into the economy to placate financial firms that made bad investment decisions? In principal, bailing out risk-takers is, well, disgusting. But as a taxpayer and voter, you have to hope that someone smarter than you knows that this is the right thing to do. Otherwise they wouldn’t pass it, right?

Norris doesn’t think so. He points out that the bailout bill had more than $112 billion of nonsensical tax breaks, like the $192 million in tax breaks for rum producers in Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands? I like Mojitos as well as the next guy, but come on. And $6 million in tax breaks for wooden arrow manufacturers? Please someone explain what this has to do with mortgage-related securities.

Chuck says vote ‘em out of their jobs, but I liked it better when he said he’d choke them unconscious. Then give them all WWCND bracelets.

Who is John Gault? And who is Chuck Norris?

It’s tough to be a conservative in Hollywood. Just ask Shannen Doherty, Chuck Norris and Gary Sinise. Norris recently wrote a commentary on this very topic, pointing to a Washington Times article claiming that a group of conservative-minded entertainers had been having secret meetings to discuss shared political views and values. It is odd that the Washington Times would choose to “uncover” this not-so-scandalous bit of news, when there are certainly far weirder and more destructive things happening in Hollywood than the gathering of some actors who all voted for Ronald Reagan.

Shannen Doherty, an admitted Republican, alluded to the intolerance of conservatism in Hollywood when she said, “This is a free country, and nobody should be criticized for their political beliefs. We’re all allowed to have our opinions.” Such intolerance should not be tolerated! Norris’ more recent commentary follows the same reasoning:

“This is America, and we should respect the fact that we will have strong, diverse opinions,
and we must allow one another the freedom of speech to air such opines, not suppress them through peer pressure of any type like children.”

Chuck goes on to say that we can’t progress as a country until we “drop the partisan rancor.”  Now this sounds kinda like what I said about Chuck Norris after he got a little too irate with Arianna Huffington on TV. (Chuck, have you been reading my blog? Can you drop me a comment once in a while? I know, I know, you don’t comment on blogs, blogs comment on you. But please?) But I digress…this might the one thing that Chuck Norris and Rodney King can agree on, that we all just need to get along.

Chuck Norris spoke to a crowd of college students and other looky-loos at Kent University on Sunday. Norris is on the road signing his book and preaching politics and morality. Some theorize that Chuck doesn’t actually say anything during these appearances—he just implants his perspectives into the minds of his audience. This theory is partially supported by something the Kent audience “heard” him say: that he once had a fear of public speaking.

Anyway, the theme of Norris’ talk seemed to revolve around personal integrity. He encouraged his listeners to rely on personal determination to overcome obstacles. He expressed the need to stay positive mentally, because you never know when something else will get in your way. He also spoke fondly of his desire to choke dishonest politicians with his bare hands, one by one. Seriously. He even cracked a few Chuck Norris jokes. He likes the one about Mt. Rushmore apparently. No one who attended the talk could recall clearly whether Norris provided any of his “speech” in Braille.

Question for you Chuck: When are you coming to the West Coast?

Kent State University in Kent, Ohio will be hosting a political festival called “We the People” from September 26 to September 28. Scheduled activities include a film festival, along with speeches by various well known directors, producers and politicians and the man who cannot be categorized, Chuck Norris. Norris will be speaking at the University’s Cartwright Hall at 3pm on September 28—and for a mere $10, you can get in to hear what he has to say. Rumor has it he’ll be signing copies of his book Black Belt Patriotism after his talk.

If you’d like to be graced with the words of the Norris and see some movies too, you can buy a full access pass for $50; it’s good for the whole weekend. There’s been a rumor circulating that Kanye West is going to be there too, but the Kent State people are denying it.

For more information, click here .

Chuck Norris is scheduled to speak at Furman University on Monday, September 29 at 7:30 pm. He intends to lecture about his own accomplishments as well as his political and moral perspectives. Earlier this month, Chuck released a new book entitled Black Belt Patriotism, which outlines his vision for America; the book has already found its way onto The New York Times‘ Best-Seller List.

Chuck has been in the news a lot lately, having taken an outspoken stance on the presidential race and specific political issues, including border security and the war in the Middle East. His appearance at Furman University is likely to draw a crowd, given that his fan base includes those who respect his political views and those who respect his super-human powers as detailed on the Internet. The event will be held in McAlister Auditorium and is free to the public. Following his lecture, Chuck will answer questions from the audience and sign his book for attendees.

Chuck Norris appeared on Larry King Live the other day to face off against Arianna Huffington. Presumably his intention in doing this was to represent for McCain and Sarah Palin, while Huffington stood up for the Obama/Biden duo. If you saw the clip, you know that this was not Chuck Norris’ finest moment. It was, probably, his worst. He provided irrelevant responses to Huffington’s questions, interrupted her numerous times, and laughed at her. Apparently, Chuck Norris forgot Rule Number 3 in his own Chun Kuk Do code of ethics:

“I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.”

So sad.

Chuck, if you’re out there, please take this advice: You don’t need to act like that. Convey your beliefs with confidence that you are right, not with disgust that your opponent is wrong. Respect Arianna Huffington and her kind for giving you something you can fight for. You wouldn’t need conviction if you didn’t have the opposition. And remember, Chuck, in the eyes of many, you represent the hope, nay, the dream that humans can push themselves to achieve the impossible. Don’t ruin it by being a jerk.

Chuck Norris likes Sarah Palin, and not just because she can file her nails and eat trail mix while giving birth. Norris’ WorldNetDaily column this week, entitled “The Maverette” discusses Palin’s role in McCain’s bid for president and the potential for her to serve as Vice President of the United States. Chuck says tough-as-nails Palin is EXACTLY what McCain and the U.S. needs, a no-nonsense reformer who doesn’t play Capitol Hill power games.

In Chuck’s view, our government is overrun with corruption and ego. Not enough of our leaders care as much about what’s right as they do about keeping their jobs and their high-power relationships. And this is a big reason why all politicians promise change, but very few deliver. Some people, including Chuck Norris, believe that Sarah Palin is one of those few.

Funny thing is, Chuck even throws out a half-dare to Oprah Winfrey, who’s said that she won’t have Sarah Palin on her show until after the election (even though Obama and his wife are practically regulars). You scared of a hockey mom, Oprah? Or worried that people might actually take to Sarah Palin?

And so it seems Chuck Norris will be casting his vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. Sorry Bob Barr, Chuck’s just not that into you.

Read the full text of Norris’ column here .

“Now, more than ever, is the time to join the NObama-nation revolution. No way. No how. NObama.” Those are fightin’ words from Chuck Norris, a guy who definitely shouldn’t be provoked. In his World Net Daily column, Norris is highly critical of the mystical, overpowering setting that enveloped Obama at Invesco Field last Thursday evening–a setting that Norris implies was designed to cover up Obama’s lack of substance.

Actually, Norris isn’t the only one who’s poked fun at Obama’s flair for the dramatic. The World Newser Daily Blog   shows images of two strikingly similar stage sets; one is the American Idol set and the other is the DNC set. The New York Post referred to the DNC set an Obama temple, while the Telegraph (U.K.) said the surroundings were God-like.

Norris’ column practically demands that Americans snap out of the reverie created by the Obamysticism and Barack’s endless repetition of the word “change.” Remember, Norris argues, how Hillary Clinton and her husband and Joe Biden all bagged on Obama? Remember how they all said he wasn’t experienced, how Bill Clinton even called the Obama campaign a “fairy tale?”

The cry for a Nobama Revolution is a pretty strong indication that Chuck Norris is attempting to mobilize his fans and supporters for a global Internet Obama shake-down. Perhaps Chuck Norris himself is the one who’s been touting Sara Palin as the Creator of the Internet, Speaker of Braille and Global, Unstoppable Fighter for Justice. Note to Obama: if Sara Palin can roundhouse kick your dog and it makes you cry, you’ve got no chance, no matter how big your stage is.

For the full text of Chuck Norris’ column, click here .

So last month Gameloft announced the impending launch of its new cell phone game called Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. In the game, you play the character of Chuck Norris, who battles the forces of evil and terrorism to secure justice in the world. You take on a Russian army and rescue POWs from Cambodia, relying on the shear force of your roundhouse kick. That and some big weapons too. According to Gameloft, Bring on the Pain promises to add a little action-packed, karate-kicking fun to your phone.

If you run out and grab the game, remember that you’re still just you, pretending to be Chuck Norris. Because Chuck Norris doesn’t have a cell phone (one roundhouse kick travels farther and faster, plus the sound of his voice would cause immediate death to all the people on the Verizon commercials) and Chuck Norris doesn’t play games (it’s not a game if you always win).

To see screenshots and reviews of Bring on the Pain, click here or here.