All Things Chuck Norris

A giant panda in captivity recently attacked a man who dropped into the bear’s enclosure to retrieve a toy. The incident occurred at a Beijing zoo–and apparently no one told this guy that the panda, named Gugu, has a history of biting people. Gugu, who weighs 240 pounds, once attacked a drunk guy who jumped into the enclosure and tried to give the panda a hug. The bear also bit a teenager who climbed into the panda’s lair out of “curiosity.”

Rumor has it that the zoo animals have begun to circulate quips about Gugu, such as Gugu can teach an old dog new tricks; and Gugu always looks a gift horse in the mouth, just to decide whether it’ll be the appetizer or the main course.

Kind of makes you wonder who’d win in a fight, Gugu or Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris would seem to have the advantage, but PETA’s the wildcard.

Chuck Norris doesn’t spar, he just delays his opponent’s defeat. It’s a proven fact, at least if you trust in YouTube. People who wonder how Chuck was crowned as uber-tough-guy-of-the-Internet need only watch a few of his fight scenes—because Chuck got to be a badass long before animals had rights. Not only did he swing his limber Law and Order (left and right legs) at humans, he also threw a few beard-covered fists at animals too. It’s rare that a fighting personality today would have the opportunity to do battle with animals (real animals, not aliens and other made-up creatures), mainly because the idea of humans beating up or (gulp) eating helpless animals is considered distasteful.

But it was kinda cool when Chuck Norris did it. Check it out:

• Chuck Norris fighting a wild, vicious rat, from Missing in Action 2
• Chuck Norris fighting a bear, from Walker, Texas Ranger

Not many other action stars can claim victory over bears and rodents. To be fair, the Incredible Hulk did fight with a bear once too. Hulky, the wimp, had to throw his bear to get rid of it. Chuck just stared at his bear until it turned and ran away.

Now the rat thing, that’s just sick. Not even Hulk would go there.

“It’s the year 19xx. Chuck Norris, after an unfortunate accident in which he ran around the world and punched himself in the back of the head, lost all his special abilities due to amnesia.”

That’s the prologue for Gameloft’s Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain cell phone game. As you can see, the game relies heavily on the fearless and almighty Chuck Norris of Internet lore. You can check it out by playing the demo at Gameloft.com; the demo features you-as-Chuck walking through the jungle with a rather large gun, on a mission to rescue POWs. You get to shoot some guys, sidestep falling bombs and drop to the ground for some impromptu pushing-the-Earth-down exercises. You’re also periodically treated to a Chuck Norris Fact such as, “Chuck Norris would never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t foolish enough to attack him.”

If you’re a fan of Chuck Norris jokes, you aren’t going to regret the $4 investment in this game. It isn’t compelling or addicting, but it is amusing.

Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain is available for select model phones of these brand names: BlackBerry, HTC, LG, Motorola, Nokia, Pantech, Samsung and Sony Ericsson.

Margaret Cho doesn’t like Chuck Norris. In a blog post on her site, she waffles between which is worse: the McCain-Palin ticket or a Satan-Chuck Norris ticket. Oh yeah, and in case you’re wondering, Margaret Cho is a comedienne. She makes appearances on TV and does stand-up routines and stuff. Here’s what she said:

‘I am not voting for McCain. I hope that is obvious. I am sick of everyone saying, “He was a good soldier. He was a good soldier.”

Um yeah. He was captured.

So he was not that good.

And now with Sarah Palin at his side, they have actually become the worst ticket imaginable. The only way it could be worse would be if Satan were running with Chuck Norris as his VP. Actually, Lucifer-Norris sounds better than McCain-Palin.’

Ok so here’s my question…is that funny?

Having come across an old ad for Chuck Norris Action Jeans recently, I was prompted to brainstorm on all the products Mr. Norris has endorsed over the years. Chuck Norris Coloring Books , video games, cell phone games, T-shirts, books and, of course, the Total Gym…to name a few. But you know, it still seems like Chuck is underselling himself. Seriously. There could be so much more to the Chuck Norris franchise. Here are a few ideas:

Chuck Norris Can Opener. Opens cans and strangles intruders. Requires special gloves made of Chuck Norris leather so as not to chafe the skin.

Chuck Norris Solar Panels. Requires no sunlight! Works 24/7! Only recommended for homes in icy climates, since the heating action can be volatile.

Chuck Norris Last Resort Dog Trainer. It’ll make your dog stop barking, guaranteed. Like a frontal lobotomy for dogs, at the push of a button. No mess!

Chuck Norris Manscape Kit. You’re just three steps away from growing your very own bushy red chest hair. Skin test required. Severe disfigurement could result. Not for use on back or bikini area.

Chuck Norris Dress Shirt. There are no buttons on this button-down, because you don’t need ‘em. Drive women wild by wearing the Chuck Norris Dress Shirt wide open, tucked into a pair of Chuck Norris Action Jeans. Bullet belts sold separately.

Mac users can now get their Chuck Norris Facts fix with the Chuck Norris Facts widget. If you don’t get it or see why this would be useful, please comment to this post with your geographic location. Others might want to steer clear, in the event some horrible fate should befall you.

The widget is free to download here and serves to remind you of the essential facts about the Great One himself. The screenshot shown at the download page, for example, informs you that since 1940, deaths by roundhouse have increased 13,000 percent. Clearly, these are words to live by.

Sorry, Windows people, this is for Macs only.

“I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements”

Digging around on Chuck Norris’ life and history turns up remarkably few scandals, which is unusual for  a man of his accomplishments. He does have a child who was born from extra-marital encounter, he did divorce his first wife and, nine years later, married a woman 28 years his junior. But this is pretty mild stuff for a 68-year-old guy who’s been famous for a long time. Even more unusual, Norris has been painfully open about his personal mistakes, openly addressing his out-of-wedlock daughter and the demise of his first marriage in interviews and in his autobiography. Of his first marriage, he said, “The divorce was mainly caused by my getting hooked and addicted to the secular Hollywood lifestyle and drifting from God.” Based on that, you can add ultimate humility to the list of Chuck’s super-human qualities.

True to his own code of ethics, Chuck has since moved on, throwing his energies into his current marriage, his books, political musings and the charity and fighting organizations he supports.

Chuck Norris may be better known as the only human who can speak braille and make himself invisible at will, but he is also the creator of a martial arts system known as Chun Kuk Do (CKD) or “The Universal Way.” CKD is a fighting art as well as a spiritual practice. Norris developed it by combining aspects of Tang Soo Do and other martial arts styles into one, cohesive system.

CKD has a 12-point Code of Ethics. Today’s principle is:

“I will develop myself to the maximum potential in all ways.”

Translating this into Internet speak, this means Chuck Norris’ fighting skills are so refined that he can cause physical harm (bruises, bloody noses, even broken bones) to those who are sitting too close to the television when watching “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

If you want a Chuck Norris t-shirt, they’re actually pretty easy to find. So easy that you’ll probably get sick of browsing web pages upon web pages in your effort to locate the very best one. Other people do that, right? It’s not just me?

Anyway, here are a few sites where you’ll find the same old, same old—the official Chuck Norris tees with your favorite movie taglines and maybe a silhouette of Chuck in the full leg extension pose.

Amazon
80stees.com
Myteespot.com
Slingshottshirts.com

For your softer side, this site has a pastel Chuck Norris tee that bares the highly credible claim, “I kick it with Chuck Norris.”

And then for the politically minded, here are some Chuck tees that declare your support for Chuckabee ‘08.

If you prefer to put your own spin on things by personalizing a shirt with your favorite Chuck Norris Fact, you should check out the Chuck Norris Facts t-shirt shop here .

Finally, you can also take a looksy at Chucknorris.com , where you’ll find uber official Chuck Norris stuff, including tees and beanies and TotalGyms. And, if you want it signed by The Norris himself, drop an extra $100 on your order. The not-so-fine print says the proceeds go to Norris’ Kick Start program, so you can get a cool autographed shirt and feel good about it too.

The Cutter (2005): The past holds the key!
Bells of Innocence (2003): The fine line between heaven and hell.
The President’s Man: A Line in the Sand (2002): Terrorism just met its worst enemy.
The President’s Man (2000): No mission is impossible.
Logan’s War - Bound By Honor (1998): Long memory…short fuse…
Forest Warrior (1996): A magical mountain…a mysterious legend…a story of courage…against all odds.
Top Dog (1995): One’s tough … One’s smart… Together they unleash explosive action!
Hellbound (1994): Mess with this Chicago cop and there’s hell to pay.
Sidekicks (1992): A dreamer and a champion. An unbeatable team…Until his hero stepped out of his fantasies to fight at his side.
The Hitman (1991): He’s so far undercover he may never get back.
Hero and the Terror (1988): Heroes hit hardest.
Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988): He’s fighting for everyone who can’t fight back.
The Delta Force (1986): They don’t negotiate with terrorists…they blow them away!
Invasion U.S.A. (1985): America wasn’t ready…but HE was!
Code of Silence (1985): The toughest cop in the world…. just got tougher.
Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985): A prisoner to strong too hold. A soldier too dangerous to let go.
Missing in Action (1984): The war’s not over until the last man comes home.
Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Chuck Norris is Lone Wolf McQuade. David Carradine is the man that got in his way.
Forced Vengeance (1982): A walking weapon that never misses!
Silent Rage (1982): Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.
An Eye for an Eye (1981): Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon…he is a weapon!
The Octagon (1980): In a world of choices, for one man there is no choice…he must face The Octagon.
A Force of One (1979): He hears the silence. He see’s the darkness. He’s the only one who can stop the killing.
Good Guys Wear Black (1978): The C.I.A. can’t afford John T. Booker…alive.

Anyone  care to voice an opinion on the best and the worst of ‘em? My vote for best goes to “Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon…he is a weapon!” And the worst has to be…drum roll…from Forest Warrior, “A magical mountain…a mysterious legend…a story of courage…against all odds.” It sounds like whoever wrote it didn’t watch the movie and just wrote something that covered all bases. Actually, did anyone watch this movie?