All Things Chuck Norris

If you want a Chuck Norris t-shirt, they’re actually pretty easy to find. So easy that you’ll probably get sick of browsing web pages upon web pages in your effort to locate the very best one. Other people do that, right? It’s not just me?

Anyway, here are a few sites where you’ll find the same old, same old—the official Chuck Norris tees with your favorite movie taglines and maybe a silhouette of Chuck in the full leg extension pose.

Amazon
80stees.com
Myteespot.com
Slingshottshirts.com

For your softer side, this site has a pastel Chuck Norris tee that bares the highly credible claim, “I kick it with Chuck Norris.”

And then for the politically minded, here are some Chuck tees that declare your support for Chuckabee ‘08.

If you prefer to put your own spin on things by personalizing a shirt with your favorite Chuck Norris Fact, you should check out the Chuck Norris Facts t-shirt shop here .

Finally, you can also take a looksy at Chucknorris.com , where you’ll find uber official Chuck Norris stuff, including tees and beanies and TotalGyms. And, if you want it signed by The Norris himself, drop an extra $100 on your order. The not-so-fine print says the proceeds go to Norris’ Kick Start program, so you can get a cool autographed shirt and feel good about it too.

So last month Gameloft announced the impending launch of its new cell phone game called Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain. In the game, you play the character of Chuck Norris, who battles the forces of evil and terrorism to secure justice in the world. You take on a Russian army and rescue POWs from Cambodia, relying on the shear force of your roundhouse kick. That and some big weapons too. According to Gameloft, Bring on the Pain promises to add a little action-packed, karate-kicking fun to your phone.

If you run out and grab the game, remember that you’re still just you, pretending to be Chuck Norris. Because Chuck Norris doesn’t have a cell phone (one roundhouse kick travels farther and faster, plus the sound of his voice would cause immediate death to all the people on the Verizon commercials) and Chuck Norris doesn’t play games (it’s not a game if you always win).

To see screenshots and reviews of Bring on the Pain, click here or here.

The Cutter (2005): The past holds the key!
Bells of Innocence (2003): The fine line between heaven and hell.
The President’s Man: A Line in the Sand (2002): Terrorism just met its worst enemy.
The President’s Man (2000): No mission is impossible.
Logan’s War - Bound By Honor (1998): Long memory…short fuse…
Forest Warrior (1996): A magical mountain…a mysterious legend…a story of courage…against all odds.
Top Dog (1995): One’s tough … One’s smart… Together they unleash explosive action!
Hellbound (1994): Mess with this Chicago cop and there’s hell to pay.
Sidekicks (1992): A dreamer and a champion. An unbeatable team…Until his hero stepped out of his fantasies to fight at his side.
The Hitman (1991): He’s so far undercover he may never get back.
Hero and the Terror (1988): Heroes hit hardest.
Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988): He’s fighting for everyone who can’t fight back.
The Delta Force (1986): They don’t negotiate with terrorists…they blow them away!
Invasion U.S.A. (1985): America wasn’t ready…but HE was!
Code of Silence (1985): The toughest cop in the world…. just got tougher.
Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985): A prisoner to strong too hold. A soldier too dangerous to let go.
Missing in Action (1984): The war’s not over until the last man comes home.
Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): Chuck Norris is Lone Wolf McQuade. David Carradine is the man that got in his way.
Forced Vengeance (1982): A walking weapon that never misses!
Silent Rage (1982): Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.
An Eye for an Eye (1981): Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon…he is a weapon!
The Octagon (1980): In a world of choices, for one man there is no choice…he must face The Octagon.
A Force of One (1979): He hears the silence. He see’s the darkness. He’s the only one who can stop the killing.
Good Guys Wear Black (1978): The C.I.A. can’t afford John T. Booker…alive.

Anyone  care to voice an opinion on the best and the worst of ‘em? My vote for best goes to “Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon…he is a weapon!” And the worst has to be…drum roll…from Forest Warrior, “A magical mountain…a mysterious legend…a story of courage…against all odds.” It sounds like whoever wrote it didn’t watch the movie and just wrote something that covered all bases. Actually, did anyone watch this movie?

On August 21, we reported the breaking news that Chuck Norris had been signed to make a celebrity appearance at the Steel City Con toy convention. To the great dismay of Chuck Norris fans everywhere, it seems the Steel City Con people were, um, conned. The talent agency that promised to deliver Chuck Norris to the toy convention does not actually represent Chuck Norris at all.

So how does this happen? Is this a new teen prank call technique, to make phone calls claiming to be someone’s agent? “Yeah, hi, listen I’ve got Miley Cyrus here and she’s got nothing to do this Saturday, so we were thinking, you know, that she could, uh, drop by and sign some John Hancocks. Do we have a deal? Cool. And hey, uh, can you pay me in cash?”
The Steel City people have posted the explanation and apology here.

In a story appearing in the Las Vegas Review Journal , hip-hop star Nelly is quoted as saying, “I wouldn’t want (expletive) Chuck Norris to tell me to vote for anybody.” Whatsa matter Nelly? You scared of the big bad Chuck?

To be fair, Nelly was actually commenting on the penchant entertainers have for expressing their political views, particularly those whose views are flat-out Democratic. Nelly, after all, openly supports Barack Obama in the presidential election. But the thing that’s odd about Nelly’s perspective is that he goes on to say, “”I tell fans … ‘I don’t think you should vote for somebody because an entertainer tells you to. But if you’re gonna listen to me, then I ask you to listen to [Obama].’”

What? Does that mean, “don’t listen to me, but if you did, listen to Obama?” That sounds strangely reminiscent of the already famous line from Tropic Thunder uttered by the very talented Robert Downey, Jr., “I’m just a dude playin’ another dude, dressed up like another dude.

So judging by the way Nelly communicates, maybe he isn’t much of a role model. Remember, he was the one who asked, What does it take to be Number 1? Duh, everybody knows the answer to that: it takes Chuck Norris.

ArentYouChuckNorris.com is dedicated to convincing the world that Chuck Norris runs around in disguise as famous people. That’s right, when you see Spike Lee at an NBA game, it might not be Spike at all; it might just be Chuck Norris. And that means you, as a person who staunchly believes this theory, should walk right up to Spike (even if he’s in the men’s room) with your video cam rolling on your cell phone and ask him, “Excuse me, but I was wondering…Aren’t you Chuck Norris?” You capture Spike’s total confusion on your video cam and then upload said video to the ArentYouChuckNorris website for all of your fellow fanatics to enjoy. You could even write a little story about what happened on the ArentYouChuckNorris blog.

The site gets an A for creativity, but a D for its video quality and selection. The “team” as they call themselves may be in need of a little recruiting…like perhaps they could get Perez Hilton or Barbara Walters to start throwing in the “Aren’t You Chuck Norris” question in the midst of high-profile interviews. Or here’s an idea: why not employ a few crazy people to show up at movie premieres and start screaming, “Aren’t You Chuck Norris?” to anyone who saunters by on the red carpet?

It has been said that “There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.”

Sure this ‘Chuck Norris Fact’ provides a good laugh, but one has to wonder…how did someone get close enough to Chuck’s computer in order to see this? And what replaced the ‘ctrl’ button on his computer? Some theorists believe the origin of this Fact is linked to martial arts fighter Skipper Mullins. Mullins is a martial arts fighter who had been defeated by Chuck Norris a few times in competition fighting. One of those losses happened in Dallas in 1968 when Chuck Norris was fighting with a broken nose. The conjecture is that Mullins, fueled by the rage of getting beaten by a guy with a busted nose, broke into Chuck Norris’ home. It is not certain what Mullins was searching for, perhaps steroids, pain killers or other substances that would provide Chuck Norris with that renowned indestructible nature. What Mullins did find was Chuck Norris’ PC. He turned it on, searched around in the files and found nothing out of the ordinary. When he attempted to turn the PC off, however, it froze up (note: possibly this is also the origin of the Chuck Norris fact about Bill Gates). Mullins then thought he’d try the old “ctrl-alt-delete” trick, and immediately noticed the lack of a control button. In its place was a button marked “eject.” Curious, Mullins pushed the button. A source close to him says he described what happened in this way, “I was thrown into the air and I felt something like a roundhouse kick—except it was in the air. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it just felt that way.”

Mullins has since denied this admission.

No one has gone near Chuck Norris’ computer since.

Chuck Norris began his acting career in 1969 at the age of 29, after spending the previous six years kicking the crap out of people in fighting competitions. Norris’ first role as random guy Garth in The Wrecking Crew was uncredited; clearly a huge mistake on the part of Columbia pictures. Just three years later, he starred alongside Bruce Lee as “Colt” in the movie Meng long guo jiang, better known in the U.S. as Way of the Dragon. That movie is largely credited with launching Norris’ movie fame. (Of course, had he been credited for his riveting work in The Wrecking Crew, people would still be talking about that movie too.) From there, Norris’ movie success continued going strong for the next 40 years.

Somewhere along the road, people started realizing that the most fascinating role Chuck Norris has in his repertoire is, simply, Chuck Norris. Since 1975, Norris has made more than 40 TV and film appearances as himself.

The promoters of Steel City Con, the largest toy show in the U.S., have announced that Chuck Norris himself will be attending the show, hanging out with toy junkies and signing autographs! This is a rare public signing appearance for Norris and one that is sure to draw a big crowd. The show will be held October 24-26, 2008, at the Pittsburgh Indoor Sports Arena in Cheswick, Pennsylvania.

While Norris is the headliner, he won’t be the only celeb at the show. Big man Lou Ferrigno (hopefully we don’t have to tell you he was TV’s Incredible Hulk), Richard Kiel (Jaws from the James Bond movies), wrestler Bruno Sammartino and a few other underground favorites have also scheduled to appear. The celebrities will be available for autographs and fan photos on Saturday and Sunday, between 10am and 4pm. Oh yeah, and then they’ll be some toys and stuff around too. For more information, visit www.steelcitycon.com . You can also read the official press release here .

Last April, Chuck Norris advised the U.S. government to authorize deadly force to secure our borders, much as is done at Area 51. (You can read the full article here.) Today, Norris has put on his verbal nunchucks once more, calling out Mexico’s Consul General Remedios Gómez Arnau for griping that U.S. Border Patrol agents shot at a man who was trying to enter the U.S. illegally. It seems a group of Mexicans were brazenly throwing rocks and concrete at border patrol agents while trying to scale the border fence. When the Mexicans didn’t respond to tear gas and pepper balls, one of the border patrol agents pulled out his rifle and fired. The bullet him home in the man’s, eh-hem, left buttocks. Arnau criticized the agent’s actions, claiming he should have waited for Mexican authorities to resolve the issue. Of course, by that time, he might have had a hunk of concrete stuck in his head. Here’s what Chuck Norris had to say about it:

“Are you kidding me? […] When will we back our agents and their Bill of Rights? When will we give them the complete resources, permissions and support they need to fully carry out their duties?” (See the full article here.)

You go Chuck. Way to tell it like it is.