All Things Chuck Norris

A giant panda in captivity recently attacked a man who dropped into the bear’s enclosure to retrieve a toy. The incident occurred at a Beijing zoo–and apparently no one told this guy that the panda, named Gugu, has a history of biting people. Gugu, who weighs 240 pounds, once attacked a drunk guy who jumped into the enclosure and tried to give the panda a hug. The bear also bit a teenager who climbed into the panda’s lair out of “curiosity.”

Rumor has it that the zoo animals have begun to circulate quips about Gugu, such as Gugu can teach an old dog new tricks; and Gugu always looks a gift horse in the mouth, just to decide whether it’ll be the appetizer or the main course.

Kind of makes you wonder who’d win in a fight, Gugu or Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris would seem to have the advantage, but PETA’s the wildcard.

Chuck Norris doesn’t spar, he just delays his opponent’s defeat. It’s a proven fact, at least if you trust in YouTube. People who wonder how Chuck was crowned as uber-tough-guy-of-the-Internet need only watch a few of his fight scenes—because Chuck got to be a badass long before animals had rights. Not only did he swing his limber Law and Order (left and right legs) at humans, he also threw a few beard-covered fists at animals too. It’s rare that a fighting personality today would have the opportunity to do battle with animals (real animals, not aliens and other made-up creatures), mainly because the idea of humans beating up or (gulp) eating helpless animals is considered distasteful.

But it was kinda cool when Chuck Norris did it. Check it out:

• Chuck Norris fighting a wild, vicious rat, from Missing in Action 2
• Chuck Norris fighting a bear, from Walker, Texas Ranger

Not many other action stars can claim victory over bears and rodents. To be fair, the Incredible Hulk did fight with a bear once too. Hulky, the wimp, had to throw his bear to get rid of it. Chuck just stared at his bear until it turned and ran away.

Now the rat thing, that’s just sick. Not even Hulk would go there.

“It’s the year 19xx. Chuck Norris, after an unfortunate accident in which he ran around the world and punched himself in the back of the head, lost all his special abilities due to amnesia.”

That’s the prologue for Gameloft’s Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain cell phone game. As you can see, the game relies heavily on the fearless and almighty Chuck Norris of Internet lore. You can check it out by playing the demo at Gameloft.com; the demo features you-as-Chuck walking through the jungle with a rather large gun, on a mission to rescue POWs. You get to shoot some guys, sidestep falling bombs and drop to the ground for some impromptu pushing-the-Earth-down exercises. You’re also periodically treated to a Chuck Norris Fact such as, “Chuck Norris would never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t foolish enough to attack him.”

If you’re a fan of Chuck Norris jokes, you aren’t going to regret the $4 investment in this game. It isn’t compelling or addicting, but it is amusing.

Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain is available for select model phones of these brand names: BlackBerry, HTC, LG, Motorola, Nokia, Pantech, Samsung and Sony Ericsson.

In his WorldNetDaily Column this week, Chuck Norris talks about food. More specifically, he talks about the food of Barack Obama. And, Norris also throws in a bit about Oprah’s inability to remain either fat or thin. Norris thinks Obama can help clean up our healthcare system by setting an example for self-care; Obama was, after all, twice included in Men’s Fitness’ “25 fittest men in America” (note to Men’s Fitness editors: surely someone must have told you that smoking kills people right?).

Norris says we don’t need government-funded health insurance; what we really need is to take better care of ourselves. If we all did a better job eating right and exercising (and not smoking), we and our healthcare system would be in far better shape. Yes, Chuck, you are right. And you keep trying to change the world…if you can get people to stop eating too many Twinkies for the greater good, then everything they say about you is true.

The real meat of Norris’ piece is what he says about Lay’s Potato Chips. Debunking all commonly held knowledge, Norris admits that sometimes he can’t eat just one. In his own words:

A short time back, a friend sent me one of those Chuck Norris Facts that circulate the Internet. It read, “Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.” Whomever wrote that fact has not seen me when I am watching a football game at home. I can tear the bag open during the first quarter and ask myself by half time, “What’s this empty bag doing in my hand (while licking the salt from my finger tips)?” I won’t even tell you how quick a bowl of ice cream can disappear in the second half!…click here for full text of article.

Chuck Norris is mad, fightin’ mad. His WorldNetDaily column this week rants against the politicians who voted for the multibillion dollar financial sector bailout. And he makes a pretty compelling argument. Not that he needs to…did anyone in this country really think it was a good idea to dump money into the economy to placate financial firms that made bad investment decisions? In principal, bailing out risk-takers is, well, disgusting. But as a taxpayer and voter, you have to hope that someone smarter than you knows that this is the right thing to do. Otherwise they wouldn’t pass it, right?

Norris doesn’t think so. He points out that the bailout bill had more than $112 billion of nonsensical tax breaks, like the $192 million in tax breaks for rum producers in Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands? I like Mojitos as well as the next guy, but come on. And $6 million in tax breaks for wooden arrow manufacturers? Please someone explain what this has to do with mortgage-related securities.

Chuck says vote ‘em out of their jobs, but I liked it better when he said he’d choke them unconscious. Then give them all WWCND bracelets.

Who is John Gault? And who is Chuck Norris?

It’s tough to be a conservative in Hollywood. Just ask Shannen Doherty, Chuck Norris and Gary Sinise. Norris recently wrote a commentary on this very topic, pointing to a Washington Times article claiming that a group of conservative-minded entertainers had been having secret meetings to discuss shared political views and values. It is odd that the Washington Times would choose to “uncover” this not-so-scandalous bit of news, when there are certainly far weirder and more destructive things happening in Hollywood than the gathering of some actors who all voted for Ronald Reagan.

Shannen Doherty, an admitted Republican, alluded to the intolerance of conservatism in Hollywood when she said, “This is a free country, and nobody should be criticized for their political beliefs. We’re all allowed to have our opinions.” Such intolerance should not be tolerated! Norris’ more recent commentary follows the same reasoning:

“This is America, and we should respect the fact that we will have strong, diverse opinions,
and we must allow one another the freedom of speech to air such opines, not suppress them through peer pressure of any type like children.”

Chuck goes on to say that we can’t progress as a country until we “drop the partisan rancor.”  Now this sounds kinda like what I said about Chuck Norris after he got a little too irate with Arianna Huffington on TV. (Chuck, have you been reading my blog? Can you drop me a comment once in a while? I know, I know, you don’t comment on blogs, blogs comment on you. But please?) But I digress…this might the one thing that Chuck Norris and Rodney King can agree on, that we all just need to get along.

Margaret Cho doesn’t like Chuck Norris. In a blog post on her site, she waffles between which is worse: the McCain-Palin ticket or a Satan-Chuck Norris ticket. Oh yeah, and in case you’re wondering, Margaret Cho is a comedienne. She makes appearances on TV and does stand-up routines and stuff. Here’s what she said:

‘I am not voting for McCain. I hope that is obvious. I am sick of everyone saying, “He was a good soldier. He was a good soldier.”

Um yeah. He was captured.

So he was not that good.

And now with Sarah Palin at his side, they have actually become the worst ticket imaginable. The only way it could be worse would be if Satan were running with Chuck Norris as his VP. Actually, Lucifer-Norris sounds better than McCain-Palin.’

Ok so here’s my question…is that funny?

Chuck Norris spoke to a crowd of college students and other looky-loos at Kent University on Sunday. Norris is on the road signing his book and preaching politics and morality. Some theorize that Chuck doesn’t actually say anything during these appearances—he just implants his perspectives into the minds of his audience. This theory is partially supported by something the Kent audience “heard” him say: that he once had a fear of public speaking.

Anyway, the theme of Norris’ talk seemed to revolve around personal integrity. He encouraged his listeners to rely on personal determination to overcome obstacles. He expressed the need to stay positive mentally, because you never know when something else will get in your way. He also spoke fondly of his desire to choke dishonest politicians with his bare hands, one by one. Seriously. He even cracked a few Chuck Norris jokes. He likes the one about Mt. Rushmore apparently. No one who attended the talk could recall clearly whether Norris provided any of his “speech” in Braille.

Question for you Chuck: When are you coming to the West Coast?

Kent State University in Kent, Ohio will be hosting a political festival called “We the People” from September 26 to September 28. Scheduled activities include a film festival, along with speeches by various well known directors, producers and politicians and the man who cannot be categorized, Chuck Norris. Norris will be speaking at the University’s Cartwright Hall at 3pm on September 28—and for a mere $10, you can get in to hear what he has to say. Rumor has it he’ll be signing copies of his book Black Belt Patriotism after his talk.

If you’d like to be graced with the words of the Norris and see some movies too, you can buy a full access pass for $50; it’s good for the whole weekend. There’s been a rumor circulating that Kanye West is going to be there too, but the Kent State people are denying it.

For more information, click here .

Chuck Norris is scheduled to speak at Furman University on Monday, September 29 at 7:30 pm. He intends to lecture about his own accomplishments as well as his political and moral perspectives. Earlier this month, Chuck released a new book entitled Black Belt Patriotism, which outlines his vision for America; the book has already found its way onto The New York Times‘ Best-Seller List.

Chuck has been in the news a lot lately, having taken an outspoken stance on the presidential race and specific political issues, including border security and the war in the Middle East. His appearance at Furman University is likely to draw a crowd, given that his fan base includes those who respect his political views and those who respect his super-human powers as detailed on the Internet. The event will be held in McAlister Auditorium and is free to the public. Following his lecture, Chuck will answer questions from the audience and sign his book for attendees.